When your critical Mom Follows you to Wall Street
image: The gipsy woman, 1919, Helene Schjerfbeck
When your critical Mom Follows you to Wall Street
July 27th, 2026
"Just like I would hide from my mother when I was a child and count the days until I could get out of the house, I had the same tactic at work, just keep my head down and stay out of sight." Says Paris, a 50-year-old woman who just left her Wall Street job.
Paris has been working in financial services for decades. She describes herself as "creative and engaging, probably better suited to other industries or other kinds of jobs, but ultimately very practical, and have made the best use of the business and financial opportunity."
As a therapist who works with women in finance navigating toxic work culture, I hear a version of this again and again: the meeting that starts, and out of nowhere, you're frozen. The annual review that comes, and instead of hearing it, you brace. It's the same shrinking feeling from eight years old, bracing for your mother's criticism. Except your boss isn't your mother. The conference room isn't the house you grew up in. But our bodies don't always know the difference.
This is what it looks like when a workplace triggers a childhood wound: the present moment gets flooded by the past, and a grown, high achieving woman finds herself responding not to what's actually happening, but to what once happened.
Anna, a finance professional and mother of two, describes herself as “ambitious, intelligent, very strong ethics.” She grew up in a strict household where the message was “shut up and put up.” Years later, she noticed the same reaction rising at work. “I have a strong aversion to bosses, especially male bosses who are very aggressive and in your face,” she said, “because that’s how my dad was.”
Trauma expert Gabor Maté has spent decades studying this pattern.
As he puts it, "People have two needs: attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment will trump authenticity."
In other words: as children, we can shut down parts of ourselves to stay safe and connected. The child who hid to keep the peace often grows into the professional who keeps her head down. What once protected us at home follows us into the office, showing up most in front of the people whose approval feels essential.
The good news is that none of this is fixed. You can start to separate what belongs to now from what belongs to then, and that separation is where change begins.
Paris eventually did just that. She made space between the past and the present and found the choices she did have.
"I do not want to be ruled by people who trigger my childhood wounds every single day for nine hours a day," she said. "I'm considering this my third act. It's time to do what I was always meant to do." That space, between what happened then and what's happening now, is where your next chapter gets to start.
Here are three steps to do right now if you notice that your workplace is stirring up old stuff.
Notice the pattern. Over-delivering to avoid criticism? Brushing off getting passed over for a promotion you'd earned? These were smart ways to survive your family once, but you don't have to keep living there. Naming what belongs to now and what belongs to then is the first step toward change.
Meet your younger self at work. When you shut down in a meeting or overwork to feel safe, get curious. What part of you is in the driver's seat? How old is she? What does she need that she never got? She's not sabotaging you, she's asking for tending. Journal from this part of you. Getting to know her is a powerful step toward healing.
Find a trauma-focused therapist. The connection between your earliest family experience and your current work environment is not something we can always untangle on our own. A therapist who understands trauma and can work with you from a somatic and experiential lens can help to build a bridge between your past and your present.
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect interviewees’ privacy.
Jessie Cozza, LCAT, is a New York–based therapist in private practice specializing in supporting ambitious women through toxic dynamics. Learn more at jessiecozzatherapy.com.
